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3 Catt. 5: In re Ali Khan Express

2011 November 17

Opinion of CHIEF JUSTICE JEREMY, in chambers.

I am considerably shocked and outraged at the ease and downright gall with which my sister has decided In re Tasty Kabob, 3 Catt. 4 (2011). She has done so in chambers, without my input, while I was briefly absent due to a seminar I was conducting at the University of Fribourg. She has done so on the premise that “[t]he lamb-loving Chief Justice” (as if that were an insult) has, in the past “refused to recuse himself” in a case involving Tasty Kabob. In that case, I responded to my sister’s insinuations of impartiality that she herself has sat in cases where some culinary infatuation might, in theory, have impeded her capacity to reason fairly and objectively. She has responded, in her own way, with her opinion in Tasty Kabob, writing that, despite her infamous “penchant for orange cheese,” she “was able to detect the sourness of CapMac’s macaroni and cheese, despite its wonderfully orange hue.” See In re Cap Mac, 1 Catt. 1 (2011). She writes that she was “also able to admit that DC Empanadas’s cheesy Speedy Gonzalez was not bad at all, even though it wasn’t orange in color.” See In re DC Empanadas, 1 Catt. 3 (2011) (Cattleya, J., concurring in part and dissenting in part). She states, plainly, that until I “display[] a similar ability not to be automatically swayed by lamb dishes, [she] will take the temptation out of [my] hands.” Tasty Kabob, 3 Catt. 4. But by her logic, the only way I could prove my objectivity would be to criticize every bite of lamb that passed my lips. To do so would be to make a mockery of justice. How this is better than merely affirming every sampling of lamb my sister never clarifies. And so I decline her invitation, saying only that her “objectivity” is, in truth, no objectivity at all.

If such roguery continues, I might be tempted to call upon Congress to impeach my sister. As it now stands, I am wont to refuse to recognize Tasty Kabob as having any legal effect before this Cart. But I am loathe to deny TK the affirmance it received under this Cart’s imprimatur. I will allow it to stand.

Nevertheless, I retaliate by writing my own opinion in chambers, so that the “temptation” to further violate the Rules of Procedure of this august body and of the laws of this land be taken “out of [my sister’s] hands.”  To quote my sister, on the issue of Ali Khan Express’s (“AKE”) lamb over rice, I likewise “ate alone.”

Ali Khan Express

Lamb Over Rice

AKE is a “mobile gastronomic enterprise” found weekdays at the corner of 20th Street and Crystal Drive in Crystal City. AKE’s lamb over rice is, in fact, similar to TK’s lamb and rice. It is, in short, a partitioned Styrofoam container containing long-grain rice beneath copious slivers of shawarma/döner/gyro/tarna meat. There is a generous ladling of chick peas in a tomato-based sauce. There is a side salad of iceberg lettuce and beefsteak tomatoes. All of this is covered with “white sauce” and “hot sauce.” A piece of flatbread completes the meal.

The lamb was served in chunks, rather than sliced or shaved. It was a little fatty (a good thing). It was not heavily spiced, but it was well made and sported a good texture. The rice was long-grain, presumably basmati. Its flavor was rather interesting. Some aromatic was involved in its preparation—nutmeg or mace, perhaps. And there was some acidity—lemon juice or yogurt, perhaps. Quite good, and beriani-like. The chick peas were a bit less spiced than I might expect. They were in a tomato-based, slightly peppery sauce. Like Tasty Kabob’s they were “still a bit firm and not mushy at all.” Cf. Tasty Kabob, 3 Catt. 4. The “white sauce” seemed to be mayonnaise-based rather than yogurt-based. The sauce served its purpose but was nothing to write home about, though it paired well enough with the “hot sauce” (Texas Pete, probably). The salad tasted just like one would expect iceberg lettuce and beefsteak tomatoes to taste. It is superfluous, but not offensive. The bread was a goodly piece of flatbread bearing may eight sesame seeds. It tasted a bit like a flattened piece of Italian bread. It was sufficient to sop up the sauce from the chickpeas, but, like the “white sauce” was nothing to write home about.

At $7, AKE’s lamb over rice was, as my sister has said, “a solid deal.” Cf. Tasty Kabob, 3 Catt. 4. AKE provides quite a hefty portion. While I also “cleaned off my white Styrofoam container completely,” doing so rendered supper unnecessary.

I affirm. It is so ordered.

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